i just have been having a heckish time with life lately. its gotten to the point where i see/read about people getting married i just want to go kill myself...love is the one thing i want that i will never get.

a few years ago, i did some things i am not proud of. yah, i didn't know any better, but i did them. they are things that i wanted know one to know, but then people found out and i absolutely hate myself for them. they are things i should go to jail for, probably.

most people would just be like "oh well...its in the past, forget it!" but i CANT forget it. i cant just make it go away like nothing ever happend.

life would normally be just fine. i know my parents probably hate me, they just pretend to love me so no one is suspicious. thats y i work so harddd in school. so that they will keep "loving" me and they can be proud of me. i love them so much and i know that, no matter how good a daughter i am, they will never see me as that. they will always see me as a bad girl.

the worst part, tho, is thinking about marriage. i just cant imagine telling my husband what i did...seeing the look on his face...him not loving me anymore, walking away...i just cant do it. its horrible. i have nightmares where he beats me or kills me. i just know that i will meet a wonderful man, i will be in love with him, he will love me, and then i will tell him and BOOM.. no more love for abby anymore. i will be alone, when all i really wanted was to have a family when i grow up.

i love the guy who was going to be my husband. i really, really love him, although i haven't met him. i pray for him, that he is safe and has a good life. i pray that he meets a nice girl, they have a good marriage, good jobs, healthy kids. and i know that he is not mine anymore...he is hers. but i cant accept it. i still want him, but then i feel so, so selfish. like i'm commiting adultery...wanting another woman's husband. even though he was mine in the first place.

so every stinking time i see something about marriage, or love, or how 'dont worry, u will get married one day! dont worry, someone will love you back!" i think yah right, whatever. whatever whatever whatever.

i am so jealous of people who are married. i am jealous of my aunt, who is pregnant, becuz i know i will NEVER get that. ever, ever, ever. i would have loved to have had kids, but nope. not for me.

UGHHHHHHHHHH.

i dont even know what to say anymore. i just cry.

i dont know how i ruined my life already. but i know that i did.